A new edition of the senior awards
Giving the seniors what they want.
The pits hosts Colerain and ESPN in 2009 game.
If you’ve seen the nominations in The Purple Quill’s senior awards ballot, you probably recognized that a lot of the nominations were repeats. The nominees were chosen by Donovan Hester, Jacob Geiser, and Sam Middendorf. All are great guys, but I think their nominees failed to take in the entire breadth of the senior class as a whole–and I’m not alone.
All day, I’ve heard seniors criticizing the choices made by the nomination group, and I can’t blame them for being critical. Our seniors deserve more of an effort from The Quill in regards to their awards, so here’s a second look at our senior awards (Disclaimer: all quoted excerpts are taken from the initial award descriptions drawn up in the original ballot). Feel free to vote, polls are below the descriptions; voting closes on Friday, May 20th at 2:30 PM.
The “Altiora” Award
“This prestigious award goes to the Elder student that best represents what a man of Elder should be like. This student knows all the great qualities that we learned in our Building Catholic Character class, and also goes beyond the call of duty to help out in whatever activity they can around Elder.”
Rip Van Winkle
“This award is given to the student who can never seem to stay awake in class. The nominees all have been through Mr. Bell’s infamous hand sanitizer shower and also felt the fury of a Mr. Nie bricksheet. Each has their own story to why they can’t keep their eyes open but all of these guys aren’t afraid to put their heads down and take a quickie, no matter who the teacher is.”
Turtle Man
“This award is given to the biggest hillbilly at Elder. It’s actually impossible to have decent conversation with this person about anything other than fishing or shooting some sort of weapon. These are the types of guys that have confederate flags on their trucks and wear camo-style prom tuxedos.”
Tight Leash
“This award is given to the guy who can’t seem to lay off his significant other. Planning on asking this student to hangout on the weekends? Just forget about it, him and baby cakes have already had plans since last month. If it’s an emergency and you need to see this guy immediately, your best bet is probably to just take a trip over to his girl’s house, because he’s most likely over there helping her mother cook while also giving his girlfriend a foot massage.”
“Kurt the Hurt”
“This award is given to the student who you may never have seen, but you definitely have heard the name. This guy is constantly being called down to see the ol’ Dean of Discipline after homeroom. Whether it’s too many absences or using Twitter as a weapon to ruin people’s lives, this student is almost always paddling Mr. Ruffing’s river upstream without a paddle. These guys are also used to having school six days a week, and aren’t even phased by a demerit slip.
“Matt Mayer”
“For those of you who have no pulse and have never seen the instant classic Superbad, you probably no clue what this award means. During a conversation between the two main characters, Seth and Evan, they’re discussing a girl’s dating record, and one of the guys happens to be a fellow named Matt Mayer. Seth says, “Matt Mayer, he’s the sweetest guy ever. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.”
“This award is given to the student who is the overall sweetest, most caring guy in the hallways. No matter how terrible you are as a person, this guy will be there to comfort you and lend you a helping hand.”
“Nick Swardson”
“This award goes to the student who is perceived as the traditional “class clown.” Many people can tell themselves that they are funny, but these guys have a unique way to spread their comedy throughout the entire classroom. The bottom line is these kids just enjoy having a good time. They thrive on getting the laughs and energy from their classmates/teachers, and can put a smile on anybody’s face.”
“Rapunzel”
“This award goes to the student who has the best looking head of hair. If you see them in the hallways, they’re always grooming and touching their lettuce in order to get it in the perfect position. If you think you’re going to catch this guy having a bad hair day, you’re dead wrong. This cat doesn’t leave his house unless his hair is bot styling and profiling. Some of the nominees have been grooming themselves to look like 007 for years now, others it might be a newly found tradition, but no matter what, these guys love their look.
“Sasquatch”
“This award goes to the student who has the most-wicked facial hair. We all despise being told to shave, but for these kids it’s an everyday struggle. If you’re a nominee for this award, you absolutely hate having Mr. Nie as a teacher, and often have multiple bricksheets to do every week. They also have a sweet amount of chest hair that they love to show off. If they’re wearing a button down shirt, look for them to be letting their chest breathe a little more than usual.”
“Tiger Woods”
“We all can look back on Tiger Woods who was attacked by the media and have a nice laugh, but the nominees for this award tear up. This award goes to the student who isn’t afraid to either venture out of their current relationship to get to know different women. Tiger Woods is the hero of the nominees of this award, but these guys pray they don’t end up like Tiger did.”
“Bromance”
“This award goes to the two guys that are always at each other’s side. They sit by each other at lunch, walk through the hallways together, and can always be seen with each other on the weekend. These two guys are inseparable.”
Who is your pick for the "Altiora" Award?
- Jake Rinear (55%, 104 Votes)
- Peyton Ramsey (20%, 38 Votes)
- Robby Oswald (13%, 24 Votes)
- Mark Burger (7%, 14 Votes)
- Austin James (5%, 10 Votes)
Total Voters: 190
Loading ...Who is your pick for Rip Van Winkle?
- 'Vari Portis (53%, 93 Votes)
- Pete Humphries (17%, 30 Votes)
- Adam Martini (14%, 25 Votes)
- Joey Sabato (7%, 13 Votes)
- Michael Nicolaci (7%, 13 Votes)
Total Voters: 174
Loading ...Who is your pick for Turtle Man?
- Matt Schroer (34%, 58 Votes)
- Jordan Dirr (30%, 52 Votes)
- Sam Wehner (15%, 25 Votes)
- Dan Day (14%, 24 Votes)
- Matt Fanning (7%, 12 Votes)
Total Voters: 171
Loading ...Who is your pick for Tight Leash?
- Joe Onorato (49%, 86 Votes)
- Jake Helphinstine (21%, 38 Votes)
- Brennan Hirth (15%, 26 Votes)
- David Heisel (8%, 14 Votes)
- Zach Whelen (7%, 13 Votes)
Total Voters: 177
Loading ...Who is your pick for "Kurt the Hurt"?
- David Mazdapour (36%, 63 Votes)
- Trevor Johnson (24%, 41 Votes)
- Adam Martini (15%, 26 Votes)
- Justin Roll (13%, 23 Votes)
- Max Dresmann (12%, 21 Votes)
Total Voters: 174
Loading ...Who is your pick for Matt Mayer?
- Jared Malott (30%, 67 Votes)
- Alex Richmond (27%, 61 Votes)
- Robert Pepper (22%, 49 Votes)
- Jonah Rinear (11%, 25 Votes)
- Brad Quatman (9%, 20 Votes)
Total Voters: 222
Loading ...Who is your pick for Nick Swardson?
- Donovan Hester (30%, 53 Votes)
- Joe Kraft (25%, 44 Votes)
- Drew Mack (20%, 36 Votes)
- Chris Fox (14%, 24 Votes)
- Max Gramke (11%, 19 Votes)
Total Voters: 176
Loading ...Who is your pick for Rapunzel?
- Christian DiStasi (37%, 71 Votes)
- Austin James (30%, 57 Votes)
- Matt Wall (13%, 25 Votes)
- Zach Amend (13%, 24 Votes)
- Lenny Belew (7%, 14 Votes)
Total Voters: 191
Loading ...Who is your pick for Sasquatch?
- Zach Viox (57%, 104 Votes)
- Sam Florian (17%, 31 Votes)
- Steve Catania (14%, 25 Votes)
- Clay Pragar (9%, 17 Votes)
- Michael Frietsch (3%, 6 Votes)
Total Voters: 183
Loading ...Who is your pick for Tiger Woods?
- Chad Brinker (40%, 69 Votes)
- Mitchell Westerkamp (22%, 38 Votes)
- Sam Middendorf (15%, 26 Votes)
- Keller Federmann (14%, 24 Votes)
- Ryan Bengel (8%, 14 Votes)
Total Voters: 171
Loading ... Loading ... Loading ...
First-year writer for The Quill. Learned scholar of Ploehsian philosophy. "Go every time so others may everytime."
Jordan Leonidas Dirr • May 20, 2016 at 10:18 am
^^^ retweet
Christian Di Stasi • May 18, 2016 at 2:59 pm
The other one was funny to about 30 people because for the most part it only involved one group of friends. The only thing I found funny about the other one was Geiser thinking that he has better hair than me. *drops mic*
Ben Pflum • May 18, 2016 at 10:07 am
I felt that these awards were alright. The descriptions were confusing, and I found myself scrolling up to read it every other award because the description wasn’t with the poll. Also I wish it didn’t show the current standings in votes, so there would be more anticipation for the awards. It would have been easier to have it on paper, but counting the votes would have been difficult. Some of the nominees didn’t make sense either. I hope we can finally figure out an awards system that everyone doesn’t hate.
Sam Middendorf • May 18, 2016 at 8:23 am
Also, all you did was COPY and PASTE Donovan and Jacob’s work, If you want to come up with your own nominees then write your own award descriptions.
Sam Middendorf • May 18, 2016 at 8:19 am
Wow Wertz! Interesting that you put my name in this, considering I never helped out with the creation of these awards. This is all a bunch of hoopla. Who dey.
Michael Uehlein • May 18, 2016 at 8:07 am
Why wasn’t Spencer Laird on the “Biggest Hillbilly” list? Also, bromance is listed twice? Not sure about that, but I tried to vote on both.
Cody • May 18, 2016 at 7:58 am
these are worse then before. the other ones were actually funny