What’s an Elk?

The thought first seeped into my brain the night Elder traveled to Centerville to play the “Elks” in a game of football. I waited anxiously in the fourth quarter as our talented cheerleaders debated as to what cheer they should start. They turned to face the body of Elder waiting and yelled, “What the hell’s an Elk!” The cheer ended and eventually the game did as well, a 33-14 victory for Elder. As I stumbled out of the stadium I began to think, “What the hell is an elk?” I decided to ask a Centervillian who could without a doubt supply the much needed answer. I sauntered over to a Centerville student and started to ask my question. Before I could begin the “Elk” started to speak. I prepared for some bashing statement, trying to spoil our victory. He had the audacity to ask, “Are your colors really purple and white?” I was taken aback, but retorted, “Yes.” He replied, “That’s cool, I like those.” I could not believe my ears. Our opponent had the chutzpah to be polite following our boys taking them to the cleaners. I replied, “I don’t understand your tactics” and hurried off. I knew I would find no answer with these civil “Elks”. I needed to find the answer on my own. I strapped on my 12-inch Bowie knife, loaded my knapsack with goldfish, sugar, and grape Kool-Aid packets. I boarded a train headed west where it was rumored I could find an “elk” should such a beast truly exist. I staggered onto the boarding platform and smelled the beautiful late summer air. I was back in Wyoming, the city of Jackson Hole to be precise, where “elks” are rumored to herd like Elder students to Crofton’s House in the fall. I headed off to the nearby mountains, where I strayed off only to say “hey” to Kayla Kay at the local rodeo. I had no clue when the journey would culminate, nor did I know what the fruits of my journey would be. I felt a distinct obligation to the world of Elder to bring back the hallowed information of what an elk is. I couldn’t believe how neat nature was, like a simile. I passed by a tree and rubbed my palm against the trunk; I could tell it was an aspen by the way that it was. I crossed over a babbling brook, listening to the mellifluous sounds of the Wyoming wilderness. Suddenly, there was movement to my left. I began to feel the sweat pouring down my neck. More movement to my right, and I closed my eyes. I opened them and was face to face with a uge deer. It had enormous antlers which towered over me at roughly eleven feet tall. I felt a puff of breath which smelled confusingly like John Na. I stammered, “Please leave me alone, Mr. Deer.” The Deer chuckled and said, “Deer? I am no deer! I am an elk.” I retorted. “An elk…you are an elk?” I was as disappointed as ‘World of Warcraft kid’. The elk replied, “Why, you sound disenchanted.” I muttered, “I came all the way from Cincinnati, I was hoping you’d be more than an enlarged deer.” The elk snarled, “Well, follow me and maybe I can impress you a little more.” I knew what I had to do: I fell into line behind the elk and he led me deep into the mountain country. I sensed something was amiss as I heard pounding hooves coming from behind. I looked and saw more elk running toward me. I panicked, but before I could move I blacked out. When I woke up the same cold fear which cloaked me when I entered Room 201 for the first time once again formed within my soul. I was fettered to a chair and the room was black as a night saturated with cloud cover. A light flashed on and I was in a very bleak room. A door was stationed at the far end of the room. It opened and in sauntered the elk. Despite the doorway being at least ten feet tall, the elk had to bend his head down to enter. He looked at me and stated, “Welcome, guest. Today you have the honor of joining the world’s most advanced society. We elk have developed technology far beyond that of you insignificant humans. Soon you shall see of what I speak. Release him!” Immediately my hands were freed and I stood up. I feared what was going to happen next. The elk then called out, “Open!” The door behind him opened and I saw a small opportunity, what may be my only, to escape. I dashed passed the elk. “Close!” He yelled. I dove through the closing doors. My left Sperry was caught in the door, but despite the loss they seemed to jam the door. I heard calls of “Open!” coming from inside, but the door remained closed. I scurried out of the room and saw before me a most astonishing thing. There were humans helping build a large machine. Elk were scattered among them, appearing as if foreman. I hustled to a nearby room. I pulled out my iPhone and typed this long and drawn out warning to all of mankind. I hope that I did not ramble too much. I have retreated deep into the mountains. Lost and hungry I do not know how long until I am found by either elk or human. I hope soon I can find service in order to send another message. I have AT&T, they merged with Cingular, I am supposed to have double the bars, but I rarely have any bars at all! This message has been sent to Mr. Rogers. I hope he can manage an effective way to send word to all of Elder. I have no clue what the elk are planning, but it is tantamount to a Mojo Jojo plot, if not worse. I hope this warning reaches the student body of Elder so they can bring down the wretched elk of Jackson Hole the way we did the paltry elks of Centerville.