If you’ve seen the nominations in The Purple Quill’s senior awards ballot, you probably recognized that a lot of the nominations were repeats. The nominees were chosen by Donovan Hester, Jacob Geiser, and Sam Middendorf. All are great guys, but I think their nominees failed to take in the entire breadth of the senior class as a whole–and I’m not alone.

All day, I’ve heard seniors criticizing the choices made by the nomination group, and I can’t blame them for being critical. Our seniors deserve more of an effort from The Quill in regards to their awards, so here’s a second look at our senior awards (Disclaimer: all quoted excerpts are taken from the initial award descriptions drawn up in the original ballot). Feel free to vote, polls are below the descriptions; voting closes on Friday, May 20th at 2:30 PM.

The “Altiora” Award

“This prestigious award goes to the Elder student that best represents what a man of Elder should be like. This student knows all the great qualities that we learned in our Building Catholic Character class, and also goes beyond the call of duty to help out in whatever activity they can around Elder.”

Rip Van Winkle

“This award is given to the student who can never seem to stay awake in class. The nominees all have been through Mr. Bell’s infamous hand sanitizer shower and also felt the fury of a Mr. Nie bricksheet. Each has their own story to why they can’t keep their eyes open but all of these guys aren’t afraid to put their heads down and take a quickie, no matter who the teacher is.”

Turtle Man

“This award is given to the biggest hillbilly at Elder. It’s actually impossible to have decent conversation with this person about anything other than fishing or shooting some sort of weapon. These are the types of guys that have confederate flags on their trucks and wear camo-style prom tuxedos.”

Tight Leash

“This award is given to the guy who can’t seem to lay off his significant other. Planning on asking this student to hangout on the weekends? Just forget about it, him and baby cakes have already had plans since last month. If it’s an emergency and you need to see this guy immediately, your best bet is probably to just take a trip over to his girl’s house, because he’s most likely over there helping her mother cook while also giving his girlfriend a foot massage.”

“Kurt the Hurt”

“This award is given to the student who you may never have seen, but you definitely have heard the name. This guy is constantly being called down to see the ol’ Dean of Discipline after homeroom. Whether it’s too many absences or using Twitter as a weapon to ruin people’s lives, this student is almost always paddling Mr. Ruffing’s river upstream without a paddle. These guys are also used to having school six days a week, and aren’t even phased by a demerit slip.

“Matt Mayer”

“For those of you who have no pulse and have never seen the instant classic Superbad, you probably no clue what this award means. During a conversation between the two main characters, Seth and Evan, they’re discussing a girl’s dating record, and one of the guys happens to be a fellow named Matt Mayer. Seth says, “Matt Mayer, he’s the sweetest guy ever. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.”

“This award is given to the student who is the overall sweetest, most caring guy in the hallways. No matter how terrible you are as a person, this guy will be there to comfort you and lend you a helping hand.”

“Nick Swardson”

“This award goes to the student who is perceived as the traditional “class clown.” Many people can tell themselves that they are funny, but these guys have a unique way to spread their comedy throughout the entire classroom. The bottom line is these kids just enjoy having a good time. They thrive on getting the laughs and energy from their classmates/teachers, and can put a smile on anybody’s face.”

“Rapunzel”

“This award goes to the student who has the best looking head of hair. If you see them in the hallways, they’re always grooming and touching their lettuce in order to get it in the perfect position. If you think you’re going to catch this guy having a bad hair day, you’re dead wrong. This cat doesn’t leave his house unless his hair is bot styling and profiling. Some of the nominees have been grooming themselves to look like 007 for years now, others it might be a newly found tradition, but no matter what, these guys love their look.

“Sasquatch”

“This award goes to the student who has the most-wicked facial hair. We all despise being told to shave, but for these kids it’s an everyday struggle. If you’re a nominee for this award, you absolutely hate having Mr. Nie as a teacher, and often have multiple bricksheets to do every week. They also have a sweet amount of chest hair that they love to show off. If they’re wearing a button down shirt, look for them to be letting their chest breathe a little more than usual.”

“Tiger Woods” 

“We all can look back on Tiger Woods who was attacked by the media and have a nice laugh, but the nominees for this award tear up. This award goes to the student who isn’t afraid to either venture out of their current relationship to get to know different women. Tiger Woods is the hero of the nominees of this award, but these guys pray they don’t end up like Tiger did.”

“Bromance”

“This award goes to the two guys that are always at each other’s side. They sit by each other at lunch, walk through the hallways together, and can always be seen with each other on the weekend. These two guys are inseparable.”