Elder’s staff of teachers is a diverse group of characters who spend the majority of their school days communicating information to students.  For teachers with classes all throughout the day, that is a lot talking to be done. That said, anyone talking this much is bound to acquire a couple of go-to phrases or sayings. Some teachers pull out their favorite punch lines more often than others, thus making these sayings their staples, and what they are known for throughout the building. Let’s take a look at our favorites.

10. “My bricksheets are fun” –Mrs. James | Along with her sons Collin and Ian, Mrs. James’ bricksheets are her pride and joy. She claims they take upwards of three hours and refers to instances when her students have asked for demerits instead of one of her bricksheets.

9. “Thank you very much! In action today we have the ____ guys heading down to _____ for a game at ____ o’clock. Let’s get out there and support the Panthers in a positive fashion!” –Mr. Dabbelt | Be it morning announcements, afternoon announcements or whenever Coach Dabbelt is on the mic, you can nearly guarantee that something along these lines will be said, right before pitching the sale of the fall or winter sports passes.

8. “If you are fractionally challenged…” –Mr. Groszek |I’m not sure how often he uses this, but the one time I did hear him say it, he killed the delivery. Firing shots at all of his students, and insulting their fractioning skills… gotta love it. An instant classic, in my opinion. Along with his so-called “Kardashian Problems,” fractions are up there on the list of his favorite things.

7. “The world needs ditch-diggers, too” –Mr. Oberjohann | Things Mr. Oberjohann likes: wrestling, Crocs, Michigan. Things Mr. Oberjohann doesn’t like: OSU, the incorrect pronunciation of his last name, mediocrity. Coach O can’t stand any effort that is less than 110%; therefore, when a poor quiz grade pops up, he pulls out the classic line from Caddyshack.  “That’s okay, guys, the world needs ditch-diggers, too.”

6. “Nah, baby, nah.” – Mr. Hilvert | Example: “Someone told me that sophomores weren’t the scum of the earth… nah, baby, nah.” Anything Mr. Hilvert says is remarkable to say the least, but some of the best of his best punch lines are followed by a classic “nah, baby, nah.” (It has been said that Mr. Espelage uses this too, but we’ll give Mr. Hilvert the benefit of the doubt, given his seniority.)

5. “Who gives a test/quiz on a _______?” –Mr. Spencer | Mr. Spencer is known for his witty remarks and extensive sarcasm. Essentially, anything he says is probably riddled with verbal irony. Example: “No one would give a quiz on a Friday…” (Said while pulling out a stack of quizzes and grinning deceitfully) Or: “Obama is doing a fantastic job of eliminating debt!”

4. Literally anything else that Mr. Hilvert and Mr. Spencer say | Apparently, when Elder hires history teachers, we make sure that they have, along with a vast knowledge of history, a great sense of humor and unmatched wit. These guys are simply classic.

3. “Smoke crack?!” –Mr. Listerman | Whether you’re in Coach Listerman’s Personal Finance class, Accounting class or what have you, if you happen to botch a problem badly enough, he might assume that you consume illicit drugs. Crack cocaine to be exact. Example: “You’re saying that there can be a negative tax percentage? You smoke crack?”

2. “Fellas” – Mr. Driehaus | Mr. Driehaus: biology teacher, tomato farmer, track coach, etc. Whatever you know him as, if he addresses any group of students, they’re addressed as “fellas.” Such instances may include, but are not limited to: “Fellas, the mitochondria is the power-house of the cell, not the chloroplast, okay?” or “Now, fellas, when my tomato seed catalogue came in the mail, I didn’t plan on purchasing 12 gallons of Cherokee Purple Tomato seeds, but it just happened…”

1. “S’open!” – Mr. Louis | As the voice of a multitude of Elder’s sports teams, it is obvious that Mr. Louis’ voice is heard by a large majority of Elder Nation; however, to his students, he’s known for announcing something other than sports. It’s safe to say that 99.9% of the time that a knock is heard on the door of room 201, Mr. Louis will reply: “S’open!” I was in his class for an entire year, and I can recall one time out of at least three thousand, that the door was not open. I was surprised to hear a knock on the door, unanswered by a “s’open.” It broke my heart to watch Mr. Louis go walk over and unlock the un-s’open door.