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Filed under Opinion

Restroom expert rates Elder’s comfort stations

Lavatory connoisseur Jack Harrison breaks down the best bathrooms of Elder High School.

Charles Frederick Mazza

Charles Frederick Mazza

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On any given day at school, when a teacher gives students a study break or the last five to ten minutes of class to relax, the first move for the majority of students instinctively is the bathroom.

This innate need go to that arises during free time either between or in class is not always a result from needing to really use the restroom. Rather, it serves as a sanctuary for students to filter through who just need something to take their minds away from the stress of school for as little as thirty seconds.

Whether it be a moment of small talk with a buddy or a quick check of the ole cellular device, the restrooms at Elder are notorious from the freshman to senior class as a relaxation hot spot.

Senior Jack Harrison has four years of deeply involved experience of bathroom visits and evaluation, and he is convinced there is a set order in which to prioritize the bathrooms of Elder, while also taking into consideration where a student is located in the building.

Harrison elaborates, “Elder is a big place and is surely intimidating to young freshman. As my days here at Elder dwindle, I catch myself thinking back more and more on my time as a freshman and sophomore, and how I wish I could go back and give my past self the knowledge that I now have.”

He continued, “After four years of sloppy fries, Cory burgers, chicken supremes, footlong chili dogs, and countless retweets while perched atop the porcelain throne, I present to all my most marvelous wisdom regarding Elder’s restrooms, ranked from worst to best.”

7.) Second Floor

Harrison claims the bathroom on  this floor is absolute garbage and “someone needs to fix this restroom.” Most of the school would agree.

Freshman Holden Nichols tries to stay away from the second floor bathroom at all costs. “After any class I have on the second floor, if I need to go to the bathroom I just go up the stairs to the third floor because the second floor is so horrid,” said Nichols.

Harrison claims the pro’s are nothing at all. However Rob Adams disagrees saying, “It has the extra wall blocking the urinals from the reflection by the sinks.”

Harrison is very passionate in the cons being the broken stall, no TP in the middle stall, no paper towels, and high traffic.

6.) Cafeteria

Harrison believes the cafeteria bathroom’s existence as a pit stop for students traveling between the main building and the Schaeper Center combined with the traffic from the three lunch bells makes this restroom suck.

“While convenient, it’s small and cramped, but at least it has big escape windows,” Harrison continued.

Harrison’s pros are its convenience, escape windows, and functioning toilet lids. However the cons outweigh the pros because of its high traffic, lack of paper towels, and confined space.

5.) Wrestling Locker Room (Basement)

Harrison expresses his lack luster approach to this restroom stating, “I personally haven’t used this restroom since freshman year, so I talked to fellow senior and avid user Chris Conway (check out his new song – Scooby Doo) who reiterated his thoughts on this restroom: It’s ultimate privacy is offset by its stench, low amount of TP, and lack of real estate.”

The pros and cons of this restroom are limited because of the lack of experience most students with the resting spot.

Pros: Low Traffic, and paper towels.

Cons: Stanky, only two stalls and one urinal, and usually inconvenient.

4.) Field house 

More specifically, this is the restroom by the concession stands. “This is rarely used during the school day aside from the occasional mass or gym class, so you’re guaranteed some peace and quiet,” said Harrison.

“However,” Harison said, “It’s fairly out of the way for the average student, and the field house is not always open.”

The pros of the field house bathroom include very low traffic and paper towels. On the other hand, the cons are its inconvenient location and the water pressure of the sinks.

3.) 3rd Floor

“Nothing very special about this one. Just a slightly crowded, solid, clean, convenient restroom where nothing is usually broken,” says Harrison.

Pros: paper towels, convenient, clean, and the stall in the corner with extra privacy.

Cons: There is constantly medium to high traffic.

2.) Schaeper Center 

“This restroom features urinal-dividing walls, coat hooks, and a flat spot on the TP holder where a tablet could be placed to do a little netflix binging while dropping the kids off at the pool,” Harrison explains.

Harrison continued to compliment the Schaeper Center lavatory saying, “I gotta say, if you’re in a class in the Schaeper Center, this is a pretty nice restroom if you can ignore the freshman chorus classes.”

Pros: Low to medium traffic, urinal dividers, coat hooks, and the TP holders are like mini desks.

Cons: No paper towels, rarely convenient during school time, and second hand vape smoke.

1.) North Wing

“Only in this restroom do you truly feel like a king when sitting on the throne,” says Harrison.

Harrison also included, “If you can dodge the faculty and slip into this restroom, you’re met with a bit of paranoia. But this feeling is shed upon entering the shrine.”

Pros: Paper towels, almost zero traffic, and the private stall that’s basically its own restroom.

Cons: Paranoia, possible demerits?, “Does the faculty bathroom in the north wing really count?” asks John Keehan.

So heed the advice of restroom expert Jack Harrison, and use your four minutes wisely in the bathroom you choose between or after classes.

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About the Writer
Charlie Mazza '18, Co-Editor
Purple Quill Co-Editor/William Elder Frisbee Alliance Captain. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
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Restroom expert rates Elder’s comfort stations