No Shave March: Who to look for

An in depth look at the candidates for best facial hair at Elder

Who will grow the best facial covering this March?


Who will grow the best facial covering this March?

As the month of March begins, No Shave March is also commencing here at Elder.

Last year, several Panthers put on quite the show with some commendable facial hair on display. Sam Halloran took home the gold prize last year with the best facial hair. He was not the favorite heading into the month to win this award, but it is a good reminder that this award is anyone’s to win. I am going to take a look at who could be at the top of the facial hair podium at the end of the month.

Maxwell Deters may be the most able student in the school to win this competition, but he will not participate. I spoke with Maxwell about his choice to not compete. He stated, “I have other things to do during the month that I need to be clean shaven for.” That is a fair statement from the President of the Student Body. He has some responsibilities at the school that the rest of us do not. He also added, “I know I could grow the best beard, but I am going to let the other kids have their moment.” Classy move by the Pres right there.

John Conners is another face to look out for this March. Though he is taking a unique approach to the competition. Most students will just focus on growing out their beards, but John is striving for a nice mustache. John did this over the summer, and it was spectacular.

John will deal with constant questions and comments on his mustache, but he does not mind as he stated, “I welcome the questions.” Do not be afraid to ask John about his snot mop. I am confident that John will grow an even better mustache than he did in the summer. He too is confident that “it will come in thicker than before.” Some may wonder what inspired John to do this. He mentioned how he looks up to celebrities such as Sam Elliot, Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, and Miles Teller. Guys like that inspired him to take on this challenge. I feel that I must add that John looks almost identical to Miles Teller when the two of them are rocking a stache. John’s mustache will be more than just some hair on his upper lip. He mentioned, “Having a stache makes me feel like a real man. It is a responsibility. I will feel dangerous yet sophisticated.” John could not have said it any better. Keep an eye out for John in the halls and be ready to envy over his formidable upper lip.

Zeno Perry also looks to vie for the top spot at Elder. He is confident that he will bring home the best beard at the end of March saying, “I easily have the best looking beard at Elder High School.” He also believes that his new crumb catcher will bring some new opportunities this month. Zeno added, “I’ll probably attempt to fake my age a couple times.” I also discussed how much a big beard will affect his confidence level on the weekends. He stated, “It is a huge boost of motivation. There is nothing better than looking like a man. I’ll have to keep the ladies away.” Still, this is more than just a beard growing competition for Zeno as he stated, “It is a good time for us to reflect on Mr. Klusman and all the things he did for our school and community. He gave to everyone, and its a good way for us to never forget about him.”

Another face to look out for is Zac Rudemiller. People sleep on the abilities he has been blessed with. I walk by him in the halls on days outside of March, and can’t help but be impressed and envious of his 5 o’clock shadow at 10AM. Not many people have this gift, but he sure does. I sat down to ask about this insane ability.

Zac started by mentioning how he definitely appreciates his facial hair, but it is a “curse”. He provided some interesting reasoning for this saying, “It itches constantly. I truly do not know if there are any advantages to facial hair besides making me look older.” He also added, “I shave Monday morning every week, and I still have Mr. Kreimer telling me to shave already on Tuesday.” He is confident that he could outgrow anyone in the school saying, “I do not know who else can grow a beard faster than me at Elder.” Nevertheless, Zac is unsure of whether or not he will stay loyal to No Shave March. If Zac does stay loyal, keep an eye out for his mighty chin curtain lurking the halls.

One sleeper pick to win this award has to be Nick Sebastian. I have never seen someone grow a neck beard so quick in my entire life. Nick discussed his ability with me. He started by saying, “I have a neck beard that can put 30 year old fedora-wearing men who live with their mothers watching anime all day to shame.” After seeing what Nick is capable of, I can not help but agree with this statement. Yet, like many of us, Nick is not perfect. He does not think he will bring the best beard to the table, but he knows he will put up a good fight. He believes that he has “an age appropriate beard which means that there are sections that just don’t grow.

If you have a full, non-patchy beard in high school, you’re a freak.” No Shave March means a lot to Nick in that he does not have to “bother shaving for a month, as opposed to the two weeks it normally takes for a teacher to make me shave. However, for something to be gained, something of equal value must be lost, and I have to wear this really small wrist band all month.” Keep an eye out for Nick’s neck and its journey this month.

I am sure some are wondering where the faculty names are on this list. I decided to leave out faculty from this competition because of the advantage they have to grow facial hair outside of March. Still, there are several notable faculty members who have some nice facial hair, and that has to be acknowledged.

Shout out to you guys, but it is time for the boys to compete. Keep an eye out for some of these guys, and even look for some other sleepers.  Honorable mentions for this list include the following: Ron Wainscott, Matthew Schwallie, Tim Finley, Jakob James (Neck), and Danny Feist .

March is shaping up to be a good one. The beards are coming. Are you ready?